I walk, walk, walk, walk, walk and see you in your flowy, golden dress, with your strong hairy arms, and your athletic thick legs ending in stilettos
a glimpse of recognition flickers through our eyes and we happen to walk onto the same train taking us south
I sit close to you and try not to stare at your beauty and think about the beautiful one waiting for me at home and who is waiting for you? I wonder where you come from and if in another life we could have been together husband and wife
the train doors open and the cold wind moves your dress I think about the wind that brought me to london and about the cold fear that strangles me at night sometimes I think about my brother in his sweet family home and how deeply I used to wish that was me
i think about my father who thinks i am so anxious and ugly that i am scared to have a boyfriend and about my mother who calls her ‘your friend’ and who i know would have a full-blown panic attack if i ever mentioned the word marriage
i would like to hug you and wonder how many parties i would have to go to before i could?
and I think in my tiny train seat after all this time, so many years I go back to find my same self the same fears
what do you do when you don’t want your home anymore? what. do. you. do. when you are so scared and tired that you think you don’t want your family anymore?