WORDS Ryan Zaman
My life has been filled with a lot of change, and a lot of getting on with it. Caring for my mum during her cancer treatment from 11 to 15; the lengthy rehabilitation following a double hamstring release surgery pretty much as my mum got the all clear. Then there was navigating life for the first time by myself at university; moving to the States for a year; moving to London for a government job I never thought I’d get. And then I moved into modelling and advocacy two years later. Who would’ve predicted that?
Everyone follows a path to reach their chosen destinations. Even if we try and compare our trajectories to others’, to examine if they’re more or less conventional, we must admit that even the things we actively seek out hold an element of serendipity. We are all pursuing growth and fulfilment, whether we’re seeking it through spontaneity, consistency, or dramatic change. We do this all as we move forward through life, ticking off a minute at a time, collecting experiences and adding strings to our bows all the while.
My life has been filled with a lot of change, and a lot of getting on with it.
Even when things stay the same, they change – perhaps in ways that we don’t even notice at the time. This is especially true when it comes to our relationship with the physical world. We may regularly visit the same places and do the same things but the wheel always turns. And if we visit new places or move to new surroundings, what is new to us will be the age-old of others.
As for the relationships we have with our bodies as we pass through time, our capability changes. We may strengthen or weaken, we may tan or pale, we may pick up a few scrapes or scars along the way, or we may feel depleted or energised – all of this marked by the changing of the seasons, even if we go through periods where time means nothing to us personally.
As someone with a disability, Cerebral Palsy, this is especially true and something I am coming to notice. I can’t say I’m perfect at looking after my physicality, but I am building up my strength to feel confident and capable in my body. I’m working on feeling proud of it and myself as I move through the world. Everyone will feel what it’s like to be disabled at some point, too. It could be an injury or growing older, permanent or temporary. In this sense, we need to be grateful and make the most of ourselves as we never know what’s around the corner.
Change, once it has passed, can be reviewed as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, but it’s the thought of working through a period of transition that is perhaps the most daunting. I’m 27, and for you spiritual people out there, this might ring a bell: my Saturn Return is hitting me hard, a period where life sometimes forcibly shifts you in the direction that you need to go in to inform where life will take you next, even if we don’t want it, however painful.
Change, once it has passed, can be reviewed as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, but it’s the thought of working through a period of transition that is perhaps the most daunting.
This new phase of transition is intense, and probably the most significant of my life so far. With transition, though, comes a fresh perspective. A mountain always looks hardest to climb when you stand at its base, staring up at its peak, unknowing of what may lay at the top.
For me, I’m going through a process of finding who I am again – what I’m passionate about, what’s important to me, what my purpose is. This transition is also affording me a lot of time to reflect, to understand where I may have gone wrong, what I can do differently in the future and how I can be better to the communities I can advocate for.
But perhaps most importantly, it’s allowing me to reassess how I care for myself and for those around me whom I hold most dearly. Looking back, I’ve definitely navigated life without taking time to seek out these answers – just going with the flow, trusting the universe, rarely making decisions with anything but my heart. This is often the right way to go about things – or at least what all the books and the films tell us – but I admit I’m only now coming to terms with the proactivity and agency that is within me.
Transition means rebirth, rediscovery and growth. I welcome ageing with open arms, for it brings experience and knowledge. There is true beauty in this which shouldn’t be underestimated. It’s perhaps a sad reality that we can only truly come to terms with that when we can reflect on the hard times we have weathered.
As we grow and move through an age of darkness and uncertainty, we must remember that everything happens for a reason. While stormy spells are inevitable, we all have the power to trust that time will make it better, when it is linking arms with inner resolve. Storms break things down, but they also sustain the earth and spread seeds – leading to something new and beautiful.
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